Yes, I am on a diet and why you should be too

When it comes to fitness and nutrition I don’t claim to know what works for every woman.  I do know I have struggled with body image, weight loss and a female hormonal imbalance called PCOS since I was 10 years old.  It’s not a coincidence that’s around the time when I arrived in the U.S. and my nutrition and daily activities changed from 3 meals a day (no snacks), lots of running around the backyard and fun with friends to processed foods, inactivity and loneliness (no English, no friends, no siblings).  Back then eating McDonald's was a privilege, so was eating bagels, watching T.V. all day (not an option in DR) and of course drinking soda with every meal. 

But enough about me.  This post is about us. Women.  I often hear the philosophical mantra “Let food be thy medicine” used as reminder to eat healthier foods and eat more mindfully.  I like the mantra.  However, I think we as women have our own complicated and unique relationship to food and it would be helpful to get a little deeper with this one.  How about we try “Let food be thy MENTAL HEALTH medicine”.  Women who struggle with body image, self-steam, depression and overeating and develop food addictions can benefit from the journey of understanding who they are, accepting who they are and acknowledging that how they look and feel is not “all good”.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love all the fat women in my life.  I respect people who are proud and in charge of their health.  I do not offer information about weight loss, nutrition, fitness, unless I am asked.  My personal mission continues to be to contribute and add value and love to those who share my life journey with me, not to judge, evangelize or badger.  Sometimes I feel it affects my lifestyle coaching business.  I just cannot say, “Hey my way works, do it.”  While it works for me, the only nutrition and fitness plan that will work for you is the one you are willing to commit to.   In other words, if you are doing something to improve your health like Weight Watchers, calorie restriction, cardio, yoga, juicing or “cleansing” and is not getting you the results you want then stop wasting your precious time and try something else.  Sustainability is the key to lifestyle changes, forcing yourself to fit into somebody else’s idea of health and beauty does not work.  Learn as much as you can about the fitness and nutrition options that you find interesting and doable, experiment, and adjust accordingly. 

So I’ll come out and say it.  I am on a diet.  It’s the YARO diet.  It’s the one that works for me, it’s based on my understanding of the nutrition research I read, my education at Integrative Nutrition, and the American Council on Exercise, my work with women at Brownstone, the paleo philosophy, my upbringing in a family of Chinese-Dominican chefs and my many years of emotion-driven junk food consumption in New York City BUT most importantly it’s based on my knowledge of myself, my patterns, my weaknesses, my strengths and my emotional fluctuations.  Knowing I crave chocolate in a monthly basis, knowing if it’s in my house I will eat it and thus choosing not to buy it, knowing that eating processed carbohydrates constipates me and stresses me out, knowing that anger and sadness trigger my junk food cravings and knowing that I can train my palette to enjoy anything by combining repetition and hunger.  In other words, when my blood sugar is low (I am pre-diabetic and grew up with food scarcity) and all there is to eat is liver, that liver tastes amazing.

In conclusion, if you are struggling with weight loss to the point of feeling blue I recommend focusing your energy on learning about yourself. 

Some starter questions:

• What does it take for you to commit to a nutrition plan?  How about a fitness plan?
• Do you struggle with food scarcity trauma to the point of going into panic mode when you are hungry? 
• Do you crave specific foods when experiencing specific moods? 
• Do you crave love and reach for the candy? 
• Do you simply follow the latest diet or do you research first?
• Do you enjoy going to the gym or do you prefer personal training or small groups?
• Do you often start a fitness plan and a few weeks later find something else to do?
• Whose idea of what an ideal body should look like are you carrying?
• Do you judge other women whose bodies you think are more desirable than yours?  Why?  What's your definition of desirable?
• In a scale of 1 to 10 how desperate are you for a change?  Hint: if  you are not on the 8-10 range chances are you are not going to follow any plan.

Hans and I created the Grateful Living Teleseminar to give women who want permanent health (i.e. 8-10 range and ready for a change) on their terms a safe space to learn about practical research-proven wellness and health and explore what works for you in a supportive and intimate environment.  It’s a bad business choice, we could just tell you what to do, send you on your way and wait for you to come back to us with so-so results but, we would rather give you a sustainable way to flourish, feel great inside and out and enjoy all that our beautiful world has to offer so that perhaps you can contribute your unique talents too.  We don’t want your money (the 10-week class is only $270).  We want you to join us in the fight against expensive diet pills, big box gyms, genetically-modified foods, pesticides, environmental racism, irresponsible and misleading marketing (especially in favor of soy, wheat and sugar), surgeries, and fad diets.  We must build a movement from the ground up by organizing the fitness industry’s main target: women.  Together we can fight back with knowledge and action and look and feel strong, sexy, and serene while doing it.

 screen shot from Cornell's Food Psychology Page

p.s. Are you enjoying my first ebook, The Holy Grail of Life Coaching?  Please don't tell me you haven't read it...It's only $4.99 on Smashwords.com!!

Yaromil Fong-Olivares is a lifestyle coach, fitness trainer and personal power blogger residing in New York City. Contact her for coaching, training, writing, and speaking gigs at yaro@yaromilolivares.com.  To purchase my ebook THE HOLY GRAIL OF LIFE COACHING, click here. 

"Our Silence Will Not Protect Us": Strategies for Healing & Sisterhood

By Yaromil Fong-Olivares

A couple of days ago my younger sister interviewed me for her class project on "exceptional women".  I learned more about myself through her insightful questions than I expected and best of all it felt good to speak about our shared experiences honestly and candidly.  Whereas I can't add  being an awesome older sister to my resume or CV I must say it's part of my DNA.  It is possibly one of my most prestigious accomplishments.  I am not perfect, and sometimes as my little sisters would say, I am indeed a "hater".  If being a "hater" means I get to  question some of their beliefs and challenge them to think critically and beyond the status quo, well then "odiadora" (hater in Spanish) it is.

But this blog is not about how great it felt to hear her speak of the qualities of an exceptional woman and how she came to choose me.  It's not even about how important it is to connect with young women on the topics of success, beauty, drive and self-love.  I am not even going to write about the joys of discovering feminism's newest recruits.  Though hearing my once obnoxiously rebellious little sister proudly and accurately defining feminism and claiming it as her own made my heart tingle and my eyes water with joy. 

This blog post is about silence.  Well, actually, it's about breaking the silence.  See, as you may know my father wasn't the most friendly and supportive of dads.  At some point I might have even called him abusive.  Now, I have evolved passed the victim identity and into my power and recognize his struggles with compassion and even love.   I have also developed an amazing friendship with a man who is old enough to be my dad, and quite frankly is way more butch and masculine than most men, a manly man I guess.  I realize now that through the development of that friendship I learned to trust and love men who earn my trust and love.  I also learned that everyone has a story, and everyone including men who are abusive feel pain, heartache and loss. 

I am not saying I am exonerating him (choice of word intentional) rather, I have found my own peace within my journey, my power beyond him and my experience of him and with him.  

The reason this blog is about encouraging you to break the silence is that before my sister Stephanie interviewed me I declined to share any negative experiences of my father with her and my other siblings.  I feared that by sharing too much I would "share my trauma" and taint their perception of my dad.   After years of working with youth I know that young people, even the toughest of all thugs, are sensitive and fragile.  As an awesome older sister I try to protect them from harm, when possible.  However, now that she is 18 years old, old enough to make her own decisions and inquiries, I could tell during the interview she was eager to learn not just about how wonderful my life as a "successful woman" is, but also about the struggles.  I admit at first I felt it was gossip-motivated (she is 18 and remember I am a "hater", i.e. critical thinker).  But her compassionate line of questions, her mannerisms, her eye contact and deep listening demonstrated a thirst for a deeper connection with me, perhaps even a sincere desire for a shared understanding of the differences in our experiences with the man I call by first name and she calls dad. 

The feelings that came up for me during the interview remind me of a famous quote by Audre Lorde that I think is quite relevant here: "Our silence will not protect us".  I agree with Audre Lorde and also want to suggest that silence does not protect the survivor (me in this case) AND it also does not protect those we most want to protect (my siblings, mother).  Instead it creates a schism of pain and resentment between the survivor and those who love her.  This whole time I was healing alone, on my own, because I wanted to protect others from my trauma but I neglected to realize that I, by protecting them from my trauma,  was also unintentionally robbing them of the joy, lesson and power of sharing my journey of transformation and healing.  I thought, as I answered honestly for the first time, what if I am face to face with my path? sitting with my little sister,  teaching her about overcoming struggle but also about learning and teaching others how to go beyond survival into the beautiful land of healing, love and fearless value-driven power.  Note, power has to be fearless and fueled by positive values in order for it to be healing and expansive.  Power alone is not enough and can in fact be dangerous.

So when Stephanie asked me about my hobbies, my five year plan, my thousand and one interests I honestly (and for the first time) uttered:  I want to inspire and teach women to be happy.  I could tell it wasn't what she was expecting, and I imagine her school's staff hammers in the message of higher education, being a doctor or a lawyer, I know that was certainly my intention when I entered Barnard.  I am grateful for that message for it's certainly valuable and a nice balance to the more common message to "get married and have some babies right after high school".

And yet as I continued to exploit my soapbox as a rare moment of spiritual and emotional connection with my sister I shared with her that I wish so much more than traditional success for her and all young women.  I wish for all women to also be happy, to be content, and to work hard because they want to contribute to the world by doing something they truly love and makes them happy, whatever that may be.  I also wish for women to be safe, strong, feel beautiful, feel worthy and feel amazing.  Those things may not make it into your resume, but trust me they show and make you radiant whether you are working at a big time corporate firm or bagging someone's groceries.  As for me, I am ok uttering the right things even when my sisters don't want to hear them and being called a "hater" because every time I teach someone something that gets them closer to permanent happiness despite all the things that seem, feel, or go wrong I know I am fulfilling my mission to make the world a better, friendlier place for all women and the men who love us. 

Yaromil Fong-Olivares is a life coach and personal power blogger residing in New York City. Contact her for coaching, training, writing, and speaking gigs at yaro@yaromilolivares.com.  To purchase my ebook THE HOLY GRAIL OF LIFE COACHING, click here.  To purchase my exercise video, The Sulaxmi Exercise Method, click here.

And When You Leave Take Your Pictures With You (An Ode To Poor Women Scholars in Celebration of International Women's Day)

By Yaromil Fong-Olivares  

Once upon a women's college  while blooming as a young lesbian I read the poem  "And When You Leave Take Your Pictures With You" by Jo Carrillo.  The poem (quoted at bottom of the page) is part of the anthology titled This Bridge Called My Back, my favorite book of all time.  The book and in particular this poem, gives voice to what I consider to be root of ALL evil: systemic and encouraged self-imposed oppression.  I call it self-imposed to differentiate from internalized (subconscious) and external (institutional)  oppression.  Self-imposed is the type of oppression I am fully aware of and semi-consciously defend and hold on to.  Like a safe, comfortable blanket, it provides incomplete value to my life by providing language and feelings to the painful part of my identity, even when it is inaccurate and outdated and working against my emerging, more powerful evolving identity.  Understanding self-imposition is critical to accomplishing personal growth and happiness.  To self-impose (verb use) oppression is to know better and yet be unwilling to change simply because change is unimaginable and risky.  For those of you reading who are about to stop reading in the name of pragmatism and anti-new ageism remember Gloria Anzaldua’s famous words:

“I change myself, I change the world.”

Carrillo's  poem alone would have not have had the impact it had on me had it not been for my serendipitous encounter with the photos of women of color boldly and unapologetically displayed on the walls of my college's financial aid office. Sadly all photos were in fact of women of color.  To give The College credit, they included photos of brown women working the fields of universal rural lands, South America I think, and brown women hunched over  notebooks writing. At the time it was quite an eye opener  to accept and deconstruct how academic high-achievers from low and no income neighborhoods around the country are taught to  find personal value in a one page financial aid award letter.   A ticket out, perhaps, but a ticket to where? At what personal cost do we achieve success? After all before this point all of  us scholarship girls (at least publicly) expressed pride over "earning" our financial aid awards with our hard academic work.  We were the promising children, the good kids, scholarships, aid from the college, and even the work study awards felt GOOD. Somehow before this moment I felt that my grades and extracurricular activities were actually creating social change both locally and for my family back in the Dominican Republic.  Before I read this poem  it felt great to receive a McDonalds scholarship, Hispanic Scholarship Fund award,  and best of all admission in Barnard College's HEOP program or as I like to call it  "the you are so smart and have so much potential even though you are so poor Award."

Before I read Carrillo’s poem I did not associate aid with inadequacy.  And yes those words, the title alone follow me  like a shadow in a box.  Inescapable.  My source of value stripped away and reinvented as a “scarlet letter”.

Figuratively, a big "P" for poor emerged on my forehead, perhaps also on my flat Asian butt, and was now on display for the world to see.  I felt shame instead of pride.

Growing up POOR never seemed like  such a big deal to me.  After all everyone was more poor than me.  What I mean is that where I came from the fact that I was in the United States  was a leg up.  A leg that you are expected to use and expand upon to bring your folks up.  A leg that my mother and my extended family living in the Dominican Republic (DR)  expected, no demanded, that I use.   So in the whole scheme of life...well being poor at Barnard was a heck of a lot better than being poor anywhere in DR.  Being an eternal optimist, I took that leg and ran with it.  "I am a proud poor,  poor power! Power to the poor."  I optimistically embraced poverty, I am a survivalist after all. 

Until I read this poem I never questioned poverty, social hierarchy, forced migration through colonization, militarization and neo-liberalism.   How could being poor be a form of oppression? No one told me that!! My momma certainly didn’t tell me that.  As my friend Shelli  would say "that's a game changer".

This poem, that day in the financial office, I stumbled and fell.   Lost my balance, my Zen, my core was shaken like a dirty martini.  Of course I got up, but admittedly, the "leg" was weakened by the fall.  An "injury" I have only recently allowed to fully heal. 

So why write about this now? Well it's International Women's Day (woohoo it's IWD every f*ing Day) and I want to come clean about a few things.  Now that my 3  sisters are teens and my grown up siblings are giving birth to  nieces and nephews  and other women look to me for inspiration I want to hold myself accountable because I am being selfish.  I am doing what I love because I want to.  I am not sending money to DR, and sometimes if my account balance is low I am not even buying birthday presents for the little ones in my life.  And well I feel kinda great.  Not because I don't want to give, but because I am giving energy, love, purity.  My relationships are not merely transactional, quid pro quo, they are genuine and love is my currency instead.  I am giving my undivided attention (an impossible task when I worked 80 hours a week).  And I am taking care of myself, learning and growing and teaching.

Secondly, I am working through my self-imposed class-shame  and oppression.  We need to do this together as women, as human beings, across class and yes gender.  I want to encourage fighting back the subliminal messages we ALL  receive about our lack of worth.  Ageism, Sexism, Classism, Sizeism, and the list gets longer. Every day I experience constant messages about the ways that I am supposed to feel inferior.  I am aware enough (read courageous) to dominate those negative messages with my own authentic and positive messages most of the time.  I  wasn't always this strong, and I fear some of my loved ones succumb to the dark side more often than not.  Maybe you can relate. 

Finally, I want to come clean because I feel the very useless emotion that I encourage my coaching clients to let go of: GUILT.  Occasionally is too much in my book because I do not want to feel guilty EVER about choosing to embark on the "loser" journey of not selling out my values in exchange for the big salaries or acquiring more letters to go after my name (PhD, MS, etc) simply because I “should”.  I call it fierce feminist entrepreneurship but some of my loved ones refer to me as "unemployed" or "irresponsible".  First I answer with a sarcastic tone that I am sipping martinis and mimosas all day (sarcasm is part of my family’s DNA).  I laugh loudly and go on to answer compassionately, educate and smile…then I get back to work.  I am most proud of my courage to tell them the truth and not attempt to reinforce the success=money façade.  I tell them that I have never been happier and more broke.  I have been working in some capacity since I was 9 years old and my work ethic is impeccable.  Not bragging just sharing.  My value is not determined by external factors, neither is my happiness.  Getting an "A" is no longer my goal.  Happiness, contentment, integrity, courage, authentic love and friendships, honesty, community, financial freedom, creativity, art, pleasure, excitement, adventure, justice, self-awareness, and compassion, those are my values and my only goal is to nurture those energies in my life.  I have come a long way from the days of associating self-worth with total savings and education level.  Thank goddess that's done.

One last word about this post:  This is not an attack on Barnard or financial aid.  I am grateful for my education at Barnard, without it, this post would be written in spanglish ebonics.  On the other hand I wonder about how current poor scholars process their identity and self-worth and who, if anyone, is paying attention to the deep internal evolution of young scholars of color.  If you are reading, how do you feel in regards to self-care, self-love, confidence and personal power?  You my sister will be running the world soon and we need you to be strong, be fearless, be YOU, authentic and  proud to have come from whence you came because you have "earned" the right to be there (undoubtedly) AND because WE all belong.  Education is power only if you are willing to embrace it and do the hard work of letting go of self-imposed oppression. 

-----

And When You Leave, Take Your Pictures With You

By Jo Carrillo

Our white sisters
radical friends
love to own pictures of us
sitting at a factory machine
wielding a machete
in our bright bandanas
holding brown yellow black red children
reading books from literacy campaigns
holding machine guns bayonets bombs knives
Our white sisters
radical friends
should think
again.

Our white sisters
radical friends
love to own pictures of us
walking to the fields in the hot sun
with straw hat on head if brown
bandana if black
in bright embroidered shirts
holding brown yellow black red children
reading books from literacy campaigns
smiling.
Our white sisters
should think again.
No one smiles
at the beginning of a day spent
digging for souvenir chunks of uranium
of cleaning up after
our white sisters
radical friends.

And when our white sisters
radical friends see us
in the flesh
not as a picture they own,
they are not quite sure
if
they like us as much.
We’re not as happy as we look
on
their
wall.

“And When You Leave, Take Your Pictures With You,” published in This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color, 2nd ed., 1983

p.s. Are you enjoying my first ebook, The Holy Grail of Life Coaching?  Please don't tell me you haven't read it...It's only $4.99 on Smashwords.com!!

 Yaromil Fong-Olivares is a life coach and personal power blogger residing in New York City. Contact her for coaching, training, writing, and speaking gigs at yaro@yaromilolivares.com.  To purchase my ebook THE HOLY GRAIL OF LIFE COACHING, click here.  To purchase my exercise video, The Sulaxmi Exercise Method, click here.

Happy Love Yourself Day! Valentines Day is Your Day.

Happy Love Yourself Day! xox, Coach Yaro

  Yaromil Fong-Olivares is a life coach and personal power blogger residing in New York City. Contact her for coaching, training, writing, and speaking gigs at yaro@yaromilolivares.com.  To purchase my ebook THE HOLY GRAIL OF LIFE COACHING, click here.

The Secret To Finding Healing Love During A Breakup

By Yaromil Fong-Olivares

It’s tempting to become jaded after a big break up.  I get it…It has its function.  When we are feeling gloomy we tend to forget about the fleeting and malleable nature of feelings and emotions.  One way to assuage the temptation to go down the "love sucks" route is to focus on the general and infinite availability of love.  The love that's present in a newborn's eyes, the love you feel when you see a really beautiful flower.  It's universal love, the type that's good for your karma and great for your soul.  I am not pulling this out of thin air in fact this is where I give my people on the Chinese side of my ancestry a big red carpet shout out.  According to Chinese Medicine "like replenishes like", that means if you are blood deficient you eat some liver or drink some beet juice (s/o to my ex for teaching me this).  So to me it makes a lot of sense to surround yourself with love when your heart is aching.  Simple, not easy. 

Photo via flickr.com

One HUGE warning here: no solution is fool/full proof.  Be wary of the lover-snatcher.  This is the person who used to have feelings for you before you were in a relationship, put those feelings away in an easily accessible drawer during your relationship and has now retrieved those feelings.  If you are not careful while basking in a seemingly friendly lovefest the lover-snatcher will abscond with your broken and mendable heart.  Safe love providers include kind and loving relatives of course and friends that have never ever expressed interest in you or you in them.  This last part is important because the snatcher threat feels really good when you are down and out and YOU might be the one trying to do the snatching before you are ready.

Surrounding yourself with universal love during a breakup helps you heal, eliminate shame and prevents you from becoming an alcoholic.  Goddess knows a breakup can drive even the strongest most independent woman to drink too much tequila or vodka. No judgement, just keeping this real.

If you are feeling down, heartbroken and ready to hit the bar at 10 AM, be sure to try these specific love saturation activities:

• Nature walks, preferably on a sunny day (vitamin D is your friend)
• Staycation with your bffs
• Spa day for 1
• Talking to your mom, aunts, grandmas, elders about their own breakups (this reinforces the fact that this too shall pass)
• Slumber parties, because nights are tough when you are feeling lonely and these are great for that.
• Dance classes (going to clubs is nice but risky since you may be tempted to date too prematurely).
• Yoga, exercise, or boxing.  You choose how intense you want or need to go.
• Journaling, I like to call it the breakup diary but you can call it "melancholy", "misery", "a*hole"...get creative.
• Adopt a puppy or a kitten, or if you already have pets, spend time cuddling with them.

Heartache is easier to eliminate when you saturate your life with healing love.  Overpower the feelings of shame, embarrassment and ego bruising by increasing your feelings of power, confidence, and self-love. Moving away from pain is important, moving towards happiness and power is permanent healing. Go get your loving on and soon you’ll get your mojo back.  

 Yaromil Fong-Olivares is a life coach and personal power blogger residing in New York City. Contact her for coaching, training, writing, and speaking gigs at yaro@yaromilolivares.com.  To purchase my ebook THE HOLY GRAIL OF LIFE COACHING, click here.

Introducing Friday DI=VA Romance Day + A Love Poem by Yaro

By Yaromil Fong-Olivares

I have been writing a lot of poetry this week.  First time.  As a good writer would, I have also been spending a lot of time reading and re/reading Pablo Neruda's 20 Love Poems.  I may share some of his writing in the future but for now, here's my attempt at writing a love poem.  

Also, I have decided that Friday is DI=VA Romance Day.  If you are connected to me on Facebook you probably already know that my buddy Hans and I are working on a workshop about finding and keeping love.  The reason for our exploration in this realm is that through work with clients we noticed that lack of romantic love is a major source of pain and dissatisfaction in the lives of beautiful, successful, and fierce people.  Conversely, those individuals who are in love, are more optimistic, daring, compassionate and serene.  Obviously, there's room to investigate and grow here.  As always, I/we aim to contribute and teach others how to find eternal and internal happiness within, with company and when she is alone.  We believe romantic love is a major part of the happiness equation and deserves to get some serious attention from us.  So stay tuned!  For now, may you have a romantic weekend for one, 2, 3, 4...

 go find love!

Beautiful and solitary

unexpected,

tenderness arrives

like a flood

love

takes refuge

in my heart.

When I see you

my eyes shine

over you my love

an eclipse of 

sunshine your love

burns through the coldness

of my flesh.

Darkness, unknown

there's depth in ravenous passion,

fire meets fire

love meets love,

again.

Share your romance words with me in the comments section.  *wink*

p.s. There's a whole lot more on romance in my ebook, The Holy Grail of Life Coaching.  Please don't tell me you haven't read it...It's only $4.99 on Smashwords.com!!

 Yaromil Fong-Olivares is a life coach and personal power blogger residing in New York City. Contact her for coaching, training, writing, and speaking gigs at yaro@yaromilolivares.com.  To purchase my ebook THE HOLY GRAIL OF LIFE COACHING, click here.

Resolutions, shmolutions + grandma do I hate you? = how to kick unwanted habits

By Yaromil Fong-Olivares

I frequently profess my disdain for New Year's resolutions and yet a couple of weeks ago my sister, and exercise buddy, Yoa (blogger at our sisterly site homegirlguidetonyc.com) and I set out to plan, execute and [hopefully] complete a post-holiday cleanse.  No alcohol, no sugar, no rice, no red meat (yikes!), and no caffeine.  Specifically, a week of vegetable soup during the day and some variation of fish or chicken and veggies for dinner.  Yoa proactively asked her mom for her nutritionist-recommended veggie soup recipe, forwarded it to me and along we went.   Sounds like a breeze right? 

I expected only the first day to be challenging because let's face it I am pretty cocky about my self-discipline.  I truly did not expect what I would learn about myself after a couple of days of doing the cleanse.  I predicted that I would miss the red meat, like I said, I am a meat lover, and definitely miss the red wine, which I usually have with my red meat.

My main concern, however, was that I would feel low energy and perhaps sluggish by the lack of caffeine.  I start my mornings with a big cup of very strong Bustelo espresso.  Furthermore, if you have ever asked me about my coffee habit you have probably heard me tell the story of  how I have been drinking coffee since the age of 5, maybe even younger than that.  I was first introduced to coffee by my grandmother, whom I must say was more like a third mother to me (mom, aunt, grandma that’s the mothering pyramid).  More than a mother I have always considered my grandmother a soul mate, a mirror of who I am and strive to become.  She at 5" foot 1' reared a lot of children, mostly men, not all birthed by her, some her own siblings and with very little money.  My commitment to youth and social justice has always garnered me the “you are just like Mamá ” (our family’s name for Grandma)” accolade. 

Photo Courtesy of Flickr

Before you go thinking "wow what a saintly lady", know that in addition to dedicating her life to helping children, grandma also drank a lot of Brugal rum straight from the bottle, smoked a lot of cigarettes and talked a lot of sh*t.  Sound familiar? Somewhat.  I choose Malbec, competitive spades and scrabble playing, blogging and a not-so-secret desire to be a stand up comedian. Nevertheless, her commitment to her own truth and living her life within the freedom of her generation’s confinement is what I have always found most inspiring about her.  The cherry on top is that her name was Esperanza, which means hope in Spanish.

Resolutions, Shmolutions

Yesterday, after a good night’s rest, a warm morning shower and 10 minutes of altar meditation I was as energized as a toddler on a McDonald’s playground.  WTF?!!! Where’s my sluggishness?  Where’s my excuse to drink coffee?  I began to dig a little further within only to realize that coffee is not one of my vices, rather it is one of my bridges of connection with my grandmother.  Naturally, after moving to the United States my relationship with my grandmother changed.  Phone conversations and yearly visits were not enough to sustain an intimate relationship.  To honor her, I hold on to memories of her giving me coffee, saving me from some serious, and deserved ass-whoopings delivered by my aunt, and giving me her revenue from her home-based ice-selling business.   I no longer need saving, nor do I need her 25 cents.  Instead, to feel her love, her presence, I need coffee.  I realized that this morning while drinking my tea instead of my usual coffee.  I felt something, someone was missing.  Mamá Esperanza was missing.  Grandma, do I hate you?  I thought. Am I letting you down by not carrying on this tradition, our tradition?  I must admit this tradition is so important to me that I have subconsciously attempted to pass it forward by giving coffee to my nieces and nephews just as Mamá  did with me.  But what if some traditions, some habits, have value, meaning and purpose and also must be eliminated, replaced, reinvented?  A tradition makeover of sorts.  What if I can find a way to include Esperanza in my mornings and honor our tradition without drinking coffee? 

I walked back to may altar and with tears of enlightenment and nostalgia, grabbed Mamá Esperanza’s photo and gently held it against my chest, hugging her and myself.  It was still morning, she was still part of my ritual, her presence was still enveloping my heart.

Surely, we have all heard about emotional overeating.  You eat when you are down, a little sad, maybe even when angry.  If you hate your job or have a bad day you go home and eat an entire apple pie.  Similarly, around mid-month try to wrestle dark chocolate away from me and you will see a side of me you do not want to see.  My knowledge and taste buds are evolving and now I choose organic 85% dark chocolate instead of M&Ms.  However, I understand that for us women that time of the month is about compassion and honoring our needs and wants. That’s the other revelation because unlike coffee, a daily habit, dark chocolate cravings only visit me during that time.  Physiologically I crave chocolate once a month and to me that makes sense.  I can work with that.  Similarly emotional overeating, while similar to my coffee experience it is not the same because it can be linked to current events happening in our lives now.  Events, that are within our control and CAN, if we decide to,  be changed.  My daily coffee craving is different than emotional overeating or “that time of the month” because it is also a craving for my Mamá Esperanza’s love, her laughter, her presence. When one craves something that was available ONLY in the past, a feeling, a flavor, an interaction that we have no hope of ever regaining we must honor our maturity and intelligence by finding something that is available now in order to satisfy our craving and liberate ourselves and our loved ones from unnecessary longing.

Tying it all up to kick unwanted habits and accomplish resolutions

If you are trying to eliminate or reduce an unwanted habit,  I urge you to consider taking each of your habits and putting each individually through what I call the “Esperanza” test.  Like a detective looking for clues to solve a case, use your intuition and awareness to figure out what is the authentic and real purpose of this habit in your life. 

Next time you blow off the gym and miss your exercise session ask yourself: what or who am I really protecting by avoiding exercise? Is it a connection with my mother or father who also refuse to exercise? Is it solidarity with my partner or children who in my opinion could benefit from exercise as well?  Am I afraid of taking leadership of my health for fear of failure, disappointment or attention?  Similar to that situation, if eating healthy is one of your resolutions and you are considering buying cookies to bring home for dessert are you really saying to your family “I love you, please love me back” or "I'm afraid you'll stop loving me".  Our habits can definitely turn into addictions, and thus turn into illnesses AND YOU can also eliminate each of them by figuring out what positive feeling they bring to your life and implementing other strategies for getting your real needs met.  

p.s. Are you enjoying my first ebook, The Holy Grail of Life Coaching?  GURRRLLLL, Please don't tell me you haven't read it...It's only $4.99 on Smashwords.com!!

Yaromil Fong-Olivares is a certified life coach and personal power blogger residing in New York City. Contact her for coaching, training, writing, and speaking gigs at yaro@yaromilolivares.com.  To purchase my ebook THE HOLY GRAIL OF LIFE COACHING, click here.