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Wednesday
Jan262011

Love Mirage vs. Demon Gutting - How to get the most out of your break up

original photo via freedigitalimage.net (message by Yaro)

By Yaromil Fong-Olivares

Love Mirage vs. Demon Gutting

Learn From Your Break Up - breaking up, heartache inferno and healing yourself.

 “I just don’t know what happened to us?” Right after a break up is not the best time to give into the superficial safety and allure of post-break up naiveté.  It’s over.  Now let’s get real.  The experience is most valuable to you while fresh in your mind. That’s when it’s raw - like a juicy wound after a sharp knife aggressively reaches the flesh.  Break ups give you a rare, albeit painful opportunity to learn about your emotional side.  Soon you’ll begin to rationalize and make logical (there’s that L again) sense of the break up but for now you must endure the pain of digging deep inside the caves and swamps of your heartache hell.  This helps you understand the root of your post-break up suffering and better yet, its antidote.  Digging is most effective during the appearance of the love mirage - the mental segmentation of positive memories and the elimination (or rationalization) of negative ones.  It is the love mirage that you mourn after the break up and although it doesn’t really exist it feels damn real. 

I refer to this process of immediate learning as “gutting your demon” (gutting: to remove or destroy completely the internal parts of a building or other structure). 

 If you allow this process to gain its full intensity, gutting can feel like stepping on a hot piece of coal with your bare feet.  But speaking as someone who dives into love heart first, this process truly facilitates the healing of my broken heart from the inside out.  Below are my favorite demon gutting questions (please consume at your own pace and of course add your own questions):

  • How many days a week/times per day did you argue with your ex-lover?
  • I know my lover brought out the best/worst in me (choose one, not both) because…
  • How many times did you wish you were NOT coming home to your lover?
  • How many times did you consider (or have) an affair with someone else?
  • During the course of your relationship, how many times did you engage in/crave/reject emotional romance with someone else other than your lover?
  • How many times a day did your partner annoy you just by being himself or herself?
  • During the span of your entire relationship, how many times did you rationalize yourself out of your decision to break up?
  • Answer with your top 3 reasons: 
  • I still love my ex-partner because…
      • My ex-partner deserves my love because…
      • I hate my ex-partner because…
      • My ex-partner hates me because…
      • I believe my ex-partner is the ideal partner for me because…
      • I believe that I cannot find a better lover than my ex because…
      • I love my ex-lover more than I love myself because…
      • I love myself more than I love my ex-lover because…
      • I feel broken hearted because?
      • My definition of a broken heart is…

 Allow yourself to answer honestly.  Reflect on your answers and their meaning for you now. 

 After you successfully gut the breakup demon you will liberate yourself from the love mirage and think objectively about the relationship - not the break up.  You will recognize the various ailments; toxins, blindfolds and even hearing impairments that allowed you stay in the relationship despite knowing that it was long past its (over) due date. 

* If you didn’t get a chance to read Part 1 of this series go here.

Next blog post ~ Break Up Ls – Part 3 – Love Within “It”

Get in touch with me for coaching, speaking engagements, or to say hello ~ yaro@yaromilolivares.com

Yaromil Fong-Olivares is a life coach and personal development blogger residing in New York City.

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